Why in the world would I pray to ask God for confirmation that I should do something He already asked me to do? Because sometimes I am afraid to do what He wants me to do!
Yes, guilty as charged. Why did it take us 5 days to say yes to Victor after first reading his story on April 20th? Because we were afraid to do what we already knew we were called to do. We wanted to make the comfortable and easy choice, the one that fit our plan for our next child.
It's easy to try to put God in this nice little box. Okay, God, I'll adopt again if...
And I thought I had it figured out. We asked for a child under the age of 6. We said we'd take either a boy or a girl (but secretly a few of us thought it'd be a girl). We said we'd accept treatable diseases and conditions. We said we'd consider minimal drug use. We preferred an African American or biracial child. And we didn't want to spend a long time out of state. I thought we were being very generous in our parameters. I patted myself on the back for not limiting God too much.
But apparently we were being a little too choosy and more than once God said, "Simply trust me." First it was a six year old boy. I argued with God on that one. Yes, sad to say, I had myself a good ole tantrum. I didn't want another six year old. I already had one. I wanted to say no. But I couldn't. So we said yes. In the end, his birth mother chose another family and it was clear that it was meant to be. The family she chose not only lived in her state, they "just happened" to be driving through her town when they got the call. They were able to immediately meet the little boy and his mother. I was learning to trust.
Asking me to consider situations that weren't in my plan? Yup, that came a few more times.
And then came Victor. So precious, so planned, so ours. And nothing about this fits into my more-limited-than-I-thought plan.
We can't put God in a box. And I couldn't be more thankful.
Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Praise God for a great day yesterday! Still some desats (oxygen too low) but Victor did a much better job of remembering to breathe without needing stimulation. Sometimes the nurse had just enough time to squeeze the hand sanitizer and start rubbing her hands together and he'd already be back into the perfect range for him. We joked that maybe it was the strong smell of the sanitizer that reminded him to breathe. And most of the time, the O2 through his nasal cannula was set between 25% and 30% (room air is 21%). It's also interesting to note that if he were in Pennsylvania, his need for oxygen would likely be even less because of the difference in elevation.
And be still my heart, while doing our skin-to-skin time, he kept trying to pull his head back to look up at me. Yes, he did. Believe it or not. My little boy is amaze-ing! God promised that Victor would amaze and he is doing just that. Last night before I left I was able to do his cares; diaper change, temperature, swab his mouth out, etc. He was awake and looking at me the whole time. His knows his mother's voice. Praise God!
Pray that each day is better than the one before. Pray for his lungs. Pray that he will steadily gain weight and that his lungs can keep up with it. He is scheduled to have a head ultrasound today. Pray that there is no sign of bleeding on his brain. Pray against infection. Pray protection over his eyes. Retinopathy of prematurity is common among babies born as early as Victor. The NICU has done everything they can to lower his risk but we won't know for a few weeks when they come to test his eyes.