It's a good thing I didn't know then what I know now.
But somehow I did know. At least a glimpse...
Time. He was right as always. Because breaking chains, my own and those of others, has taken time. There have been victories, one occurring just this month. But there are other prayers for freedom which are going to take much longer.
At one point this year my heart broke so heavily for the inner turmoil and social injustice surrounding a new friend at a place I volunteer. I knew it was all part of God's plan to break my heart even more for what breaks His. But I didn't know if I could take much more breaking. I told God that there was enough trauma in my home, I shouldn't need to break for the trauma outside it as well. I didn't know how to break so deeply and still go on.
I asked my friend, Susan, whose heart also breaks for the vulnerable and broken. She told me that she once asked God the same thing and He gave her a picture of a road with a ditch on either side. One ditch was of detachment, of giving up, and not caring anymore. The other side was of unhealthy co-dependence and trying to help on your own strength. Down the middle was the path with Jesus.
This was the answer I needed. I thought more about that picture during the next few days. In my mind, I saw that middle road in greater detail. I saw how narrow it was. Few people choose that path. It's easier to detach and look away and it feel good to have a Savior complex. It's more difficult to step onto that road, following Jesus all the way. I also saw how dark the road is. The only light coming from Jesus. He doesn't promise to show us what is ahead. He only promises to show us the step ahead. If we will follow Him on that road.
The year of break might be over for me but I pray that I never leave the road of brokenness and that I never try to go it alone.
Walk with me, Jesus. Here we go, 2018...