Victor-isms: School Days

Me: I wish you would ask me before you turn on your movie.
Victor: Well, I asked God and He said, "You can watch Sing! but the thing is, when it's over, you should ask your mom to start it over for you."

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Me: This book has a tiger who talks and wears a costume and pretends to be a train. Do you think this book is real?
Victor: Nooooooo, this book is fictionary.

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Victor: Do I look ugly?
Me: No, Victor, you look handsome.
Victor: Thanks, Mom. You're sweet-ish. (pause) Have you ever had sweet-ish fish?

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Victor (relaying his Bible story about Nehemiah): It was about Mia Maya. The walls of Jerusalem fell down like the theater in Sing.

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Victor: Mom, I'm an animal control worker. You be an animal.
Me (thinking): Okay, I'll be a dog.
Victor: Mom, you be a caterpillar. I'm the animal control worker. I'm coming to get you!

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Isaac: Victor, you're getting heavy. How'd you get to be so heavy?
Victor: I fart a lot.

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Victor was very excited to teach us the Pledge of Allegiance which he has learned in kindergarten:

I pledge the Lord to the flag
Republic
One native over God under God
for justice once and for all

Ask and receive

A week ago, I found myself facing a tough day. I didn't want to do the task that needed to be done that day. I didn't want to face this child with the situation in front of us. I was angry and I was anxious.

I didn't want to be either.

So I took it before the Lord.

The Holy Spirit so gently reminded me that even Jesus didn't want to walk into difficult moments. His up-coming task, was, of course, much more desperate and difficult than mine, but even He begged that circumstances be different, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

It's okay to ask for our situation to change or to be removed. Jesus did.

But He also set the example for what to do when the answer is no: 

Yet not my will, but yours be done.

And in that conversation I was reminded that to follow Jesus, to be His disciple, means that I must take up my cross daily. (Luke 9:23, Luke 14:26)

Daily.

Everyday.

Ugh.

But He doesn't leave us there.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Life is full of burdens, crosses, trials, and troubles. But when Jesus picks up the other side, everything becomes easy and light. The important reminder is that we have to allow Him to pick up the other side. If we insist on striving in our own might, the burden is too much and we falter and fall.

Something else popped out at me that I hadn't noticed before. In re-reading Jesus' prayer in the garden, I found a verse I don't ever remember reading. Just after Jesus asked for a different plan, a different outcome, He immediately surrendered His life to God's sovereign plan, and just after that, the Bible tells us, "An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him."

Ask and you shall receive.

Not, "An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and everything was immediately fine."

An angel appeared and strengthened Him. He asked and He received. We ask and we receive - strength, peace, joy, perseverance, wisdom. If we are willing to honestly ask and truly surrender, we will receive.

We celebrate

September 18, 2013

Diagnosis Day

It's been 5 years since learning that Victor is visually impaired with a neurological condition that not only affects his optic nerves but also his behaviors and could someday cause pituitary issues as well.

So today we celebrate.

We celebrate the friends who have walked this journey with us, who have cried with us but who also understand my need for laughter so full-on belly laugh with us as well!

We celebrate the siblings who love him so well and the extended family members who seek to understand him and who accept him as he is, tantrums, bad words, and all.

We celebrate the wonderful doctors, therapists, and instructors who have come our way. And for the few we didn't like, we celebrate that upon their "firing" we were given amazing replacements, better and more knowledgeable than we could have asked or imagined. We celebrate those who were with Victor until he graduated from their program, and most especially those who have stayed in touch.

We celebrate the amazing team of educators and specialists who love on Victor at school.

We celebrate the peers who see Victor as just another friend. We celebrate the parents who see Victor as a learning opportunity for their children, not as a bad kid who might teach their child inappropriate words and behaviors.

We celebrate the miracles of sight.

We celebrate the Braille skills he has learned.

Fishing for letters in school. 

And yes, there are Braille

letters on those cards. 

I checked. 

We celebrate the orientation skills he has learned and that as of yesterday, he is ready to begin using his cane in the real world.

We celebrate the safety and protection God has over this child who is not afraid to try anything, even with only a pinpoint of sight out of one eye. I'd say that just one trip to the ER for stitches in 5 years with this child, is nothing short of miraculous.

We celebrate the improvements, sometimes small, in focus, regulation, anger management, verbal outrages, and physical attacks.

We celebrate his loves - drumming, beat boxing, music, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra, Dolly Parton, the Beatles, his rabbit, his chickens, finding eggs, listening to stories, Sunday School, jumping, spinning, swimming, his big friends who love on him, his siblings, Baby Olivia, movies Sing and Cars, cats...

We celebrate the sweet and loving moments. We celebrate the hugs and kisses and kind words.

We celebrate Victor.

Most importantly, we celebrate a God who made Victor with a purpose. No part of Victor is a mistake. No unanswered prayer is without a greater plan. We celebrate faith.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, 

but on what is unseen, 

since what is seen is temporary, 

but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:18

Bleeding

I have seen this quote, different backgrounds, different sites, different focus groups, several times in the past six months or so.

It hits me hard each time. Sometimes because I'm the one being bled upon. Sometimes it's just a trickle, other times it's gushing and can't be quickly stopped. And sometimes, I realize, I am the one doing the bleeding.

We all have wounds. Some go deep. Some are generational. Wounds inflicted on us by others, some we cause ourselves.

But all wounds can be healed. Every. Single. One.

I'm not saying that healing is easy. It's not. Often times it's more comfortable to keep our wounds. At least a few. They give us a false sense of entitlement to be bitter, angry, hurt, sad, impatient....

The more I've pondered this quote, the more I think about my own healing. I recognize that if I don't continue the healing process (and continue it until the day I die), not only will I continue to bleed on people who didn't cut me but when bled upon, I won't be in a position to help. Instead, feeling wounded myself, I'll open my own wounds which will begin to bleed.

Henri Nouwen and others have used the term "wounded healers" to describe those who can withstand being bled upon by another. Again, I've pondered this phrase and how we get there. I've decided that we have three choices in life. We can be...

• Wounded Wounders - We all start here, I think. Before we recognize that we are wounded and before we start to heal. There's no shame in being a wounded wounder, unless we are unwilling to move beyond. This is where we bleed all over people, sometimes without realizing it. We don't understand why and how we leave such a mess in our wake.
• Healing Wounders - We find safe places to work on our "stuff", with friends, clergy, counselors, psychiatrists, and Jesus. As wounds come to the surface, we face them and find healing. We now see our own bleeding as a sign that it's time to face the healing process again. However, when others bleed on us, we either can't, or won't, face it. We are not willing or able to allow other wounded people to bleed on us because we fear that their bleeding will open old wounds in us.
• Wounded Healers - We have done a lot of difficult work to heal our own wounds. New wounds come to the surface at times but we now have an arsenal of healing measures and we know where to go and how to get there for healing. The healing process hasn't necessarily gotten easier but we are ready for it. We have our Heavenly Father and a community of Wounded Healers to walk with us. Now, when others bleed on us, their blood cannot penetrate our old, healed wounds. Instead, we can allow their blood to flow without fear of being affected ourselves. We don't run from the flow; we allow it to connect us to the wounded one. We often find that it is our own healed wounds that draw others to us. By offering the safety of our healing presence, we can point others to the One who  holds the answers to all of our wounds. We see purpose in our healed wounds.

If we believe that we are to live as Christ, running "to the mess", bringing hope and love to those who desperately need it, then we are going to be bled upon. We need to constantly ask ourselves, "What do I need to be healed from so that another's bleeding does not open my own wounds?" Our wounds may or may not have been our fault. Moving from a Wounded Wounder to a Wounded Healer is, however, our responsibility.

"Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, 

emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, 'How can we hide our wounds?' 

so we don't have to be embarrassed, but 'How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?' When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, 

we have become wounded healers."

Henri Nouwen

She spreads hope

The timing was impeccable as God's timing always is.

After a discouraging weekend, a wild goose chase, and more questions than answers with one prodigal...

Pictures of a new baby from another.

And in response to, "Can we come visit?" An immediate, "Yes!"

For one whose mother is not, cannot, be in her life, another chance to speak life and encouragement. You can do this, Mama.

But the disparity is obvious. One who wanted a family her whole life but when she got it, feared every part of it, but in leaving and wandering, is still drawn to it, stands outside the door and wonders if it can really be hers.

One who has had a family from the beginning, is loved and loves in return, and who is learning to share that love with another. One who always wanted to meet and know more about her first family and since she has, she understands how important it is to know that you are loved, to be nurtured and raised in love, to connect and to attach. She loves well and she spreads hope.

A good reminder, in a time when people have a different definition of success than you, when they're looking for human success, immediate success, and not God's definition, that God is still in control, and every one of his children has a story, and none of those stories are over until they are over!

He pursues the one, leaving the 99, and He calls us to do the same. It's wearying, it's heartbreaking, and sometimes it just looks hopeless. We never give up because He doesn't give up on us.

We spread hope.

Be still

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. 

I will be exalted among the nations, 

I will be exalted in the earth.

Taken to the most basic, this is the answer for everything, isn't it? Asking for wisdom for a particular situation? Be still, and know that I am God. Need patience for that child who has once again pushed your buttons? Be still, and know that I am God. Need peace in the midst of worry? Be still, and know that I am God. Joy in discouraging and troubling circumstances? Be still, and know that I am God.

But the promise doesn't end with knowing His Sovereignty. Not only will we know who He is in the stillness, but He will be exalted. Whatever the situation, whatever the circumstance, He is God and He will be exalted.

If only we came here first - to stillness. But we don't. We so quickly forget. We worry. We try to figure things out on our own. We make ourselves busy.

Today, let's take time to just be still. To be quiet. To listen. To know God. And to see His glory.

Be still, and know that I am God.
Be still, and know that I am.
Be still, and know.
Be still.

Be an Abraham

Hebrews 11:8 (AMP)

[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, 

obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; 

and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go.

Several years ago I started reading through the Bible "in a year". I put that prepositional phrase in quotes because this only happened as I learned to leave the legalism of this task behind, and pick up the freedom of reading in a God-year, the kind where a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day. So, reading all of the Word is the goal, not necessary the time-frame. By reading about 5 chapters a day, some days less, occasionally more, I make certain that I am reading all of Scripture over and over again. It always amazes me how wherever I am in the Bible meets me wherever I am in life at that moment. That's what a God-year is. This "year" I decided to read from the Amplified version. NIV has been my go-to since the whole church purchased those hardback black-covered NIV Bibles in the 80s. Reading from a lesser-known version has brought life to verses that I've read and heard so often in the past.

This morning, reading in Hebrews, it was the phrase "trouble his mind about" that jumped out at me. Maybe it was because I had spent an hour or more just before sitting down to read, doing just that, troubling my mind, about a potential job opportunity.  I had also prayed for a child who had asked for prayer concerning a possible job opportunity.  During that prayer time, God brought to mind Isaiah 30:15:

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

Ouch. Then came the reading of that "troubling your mind" business. Abraham certainly wasn't perfect and I'm thankful for the Scriptures that are always reminding us that Jesus was the only perfect human that ever walked this earth, but he did seem to follow his Lord in quietness and strength. When asked to move without being told a destination, when asked to walk into difficult circumstances without being told how or when the circumstances would change, when asked to believe a promise without being told the date of fruition, he followed and "did not trouble his mind." And when he did trouble his mind? That's when he got himself into trouble, making up his own plans, doing things his way, and causing chaos and strife that lasted for generations.

Father, I don't want to trouble my mind about anything. I want to follow you wherever you will send me, sight unseen, without troubling my mind about where we are going, what we are doing, or how or when you will fulfill your promises. I don't want to do things my way and cause chaos and strife for myself and those who come after me. Make me an Abraham. I want to be in your "By Faith Hall of Fame". I only want to hear you say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Trust on the edge

In parenting in general, and in trauma-informed parenting in particular, I have found a complete need to rely on and trust in God's wisdom and goodness. From daily (I try!) time in His Word and sitting with Him to weekly, longer times to rest in Him, I am refreshed, refueled, and revitalized for the task at hand.

Psalm 31: 14 - 15a 

But I trust in you, O Lord; 

I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands.

Sometimes it's simply, "Jesus, Jesus," repeated over and over.

"Come with me," He often answers.

One day He grabbed my hand and led me into the woods and up a mountain path. Higher and higher, faster and faster, but never tiring.

Finally, we emerged on a cliff-side, over-looking a gorge. The expanse, the vastness, were breath-taking. He held my hand and we looked all around, across, and down.

"Cindy, you can't control even one little part of this scene yet I can, and do, control all of it. I control everything down to each minute detail. I decide how fast the river flows at the bottom, each fish that finds itself in those waters, every insect that crawls or flies, every animal that moves, the weather for each day and so much more! Trust me to have your life in my hands as well. Trust me to be intricately planning every detail of your life, for your good, for the good of many, and for my glory. All for my glory, just as this scene points to me, so will your life do the same. Well done, my good and faithful servant."

He asked me to sit down with Him, on the edge of the cliff, feet dangling. I protests. I was afraid. He reminded me that He would not let me fall.

"Sit with me," He said. "Rest."

So I sat with my Savior, leaning against Him, feeling the strength and love that pour from Him, allowing myself to be cared for, watching my burdens melt from me into Him, receiving energy for my day.

"Come to me in this way everyday. Come to me. Be with me. This is what I desire. this is where you find my peace, joy, energy, strength, and wisdom."

Psalm 139: 5 - 6 

You hem me in - behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.