I'm not a shopper. At least not in the traditional sense. I don't like malls. I don't like salespeople who come up and say, "Hello, welcome to our store. Let me know if I can be of assistance." There's just no polite way to say I won't, ever, ever ask for assistance. I'll leave the store and never, ever buy what I was there for just to avoid salespeople. Or people in general. I do like Amazon and the convenience of shopping from home but I'm not a spender so that's only with a purpose.
However, drive me by a thrift store, and I'll ask you to turn around (I'll even let you do an illegal U-turn) so I can shop. And my favorite place? The Goodwill Outlet. I go every Wednesday. Religiously.
Now, those not as informed (aka The Good Doctor) will ask silly questions like, "What are you looking for at the outlet today?" Oh, you poor ignorant man. One does not go to a thrift outlet looking for something. No, that would be frustrating and impossible. One goes to the Goodwill Outlet to look among the items until just beyond the Christmas tree still laden with ornaments, amidst a solitary shoe, a green Tupperware container from the 60s that is missing its lid, and a 200 piece puzzle spilling out of its torn box, beneath an 80s Boom Box, you look inside a shoe box and find that perfect treasure. That is how one shops at the outlet.
One never knows what one will find. All for $1.64 a pound. Unless you are buying glassware which has it's on price-per-pound or a pair of shoes which will cost you $2.99 a pair. Or if you are buying books. Those will break the bank at .50 for a hardbound or .25 for a paperback.
One recent shopping trip I came home to empty out my wares to find among them:
A dog blanket 'cause Lucy still chews on hers. Why would I buy them new?
Christmas items 'cause you have to think ahead: Ugly Christmas sweater, Photo Booth items, decorations, gift bags...
A pair of gloves for the menfolk 'cause they seem to go the way of the socks and somehow we keep ending up with lonely gloves.
A vase for the up-coming wedding decorations 'cause why buy new for a one day event? So what if it has 100 years worth of dust on it? I have a sink and I know how to use it.
Cloth napkins 'cause it makes me feel good to save a few dollars every year by not buying paper napkins. And 'cause someone in my family (who shall remain nameless) has this thing for bunching up the cloth napkins and whipping them across the kitchen floor where the dog believes it is her duty to attack and tear apart, taking pride in saving her family from dirty napkins that move across the floor.
Quilt squares already cut out and a few sewn together 'cause I like to make baby and toddler blankets to donate to Backpacks of Hope to be given to children in foster care.
An ice scraper 'cause we lose those as often as glove and sock partners.
An Ocean City, NJ sweatshirt 'cause that's my happy place, the one that even beats out the Goodwill Thrift on my list of most enjoyable places.
And toys for the future grandchildren. 'Cause...grandchildren. Of course.
I have slowly been introducing my children to the joy of discovery that can only be found at the Goodwill Thrift. Before we go, however, I have to win them over with my treasures. It goes something like this:
"Mom, where did you get these great Photo Booth items?"
The Goodwill Outlet. Just $1.64 a pound.
"Mom, the cloth napkins are all in the laundry."
No problem, just pull out a pack of Congratulations, Graduate 2015 napkins that I got at the Goodwill Outlet for $1.64 a pound.
"I like your new bathing suit. Where did you get it?"
Goodwill Outlet, just $1.64 a pound. True story. I couldn't find a bathing suit I liked if I went to a real store and paid real money for a genuine brand new bathing suit but I can pick one up at the Goodwill Outlet, without trying it on (side note: there are no dressing rooms in Good will Outlet). Go figure. And yes, of course I washed it. Well. More than once. Before I wore it.
After they are convinced that one can find practically anything at the Goodwill Outlet, it is almost time to take them. But there is one more very important step before we go - The Rules.
There are some very serious Goodwill Oulet-ers. Yes, even more serious than moi. These people will run you over to be the first in line when the concealing veils are lifted from the new set of bins to get the most coveted soon-to-be-on-ebay items. Sometimes there are even Amish ladies among this group. They are not as dangerous as the ebay sellers but they are only a small step behind. So just stay away from all Outlet vultures. They are vicious, throwing unwanted items here and there to find their precious trinkets. I will say one thing about them, however, they do look out for each other. It's not unusual to hear one Outlet vulture yell to another across the treasure bins, "Hey Golf Club Man..." When you look, sure enough, he has taken a break from his throwing and scavenging to hold up a beautiful specimen of a golf club for, you guessed it, Gold Club Man.
So just pick a row of bins far from the bins covered in shrouds.
Your first order of business is to look for a bag or bin or duffel or suitcase or whatever you want to use to hold your items for the weighing in and the leaving. I'm partial to cloth grocery bags. I may or may not have a collection of these bags large enough to bag up every item in the grocery store but I no longer mind giving things away in bags and not getting them back. There's another one to replace it. Just $1.64 a pound.
Then, sift away. Unless you are an Outlet Vulture and peruse without care for your fellow man, you will want to do this with mindfulness. If no one is standing to your left, then you can remove the items in front of you and move them to the left as you go. The opposite is true if someone is on your left but your right side is free. In very tricky situations where you are hemmed in, you can toss unwanted items into the bin across from you.
Oh, and gloves are optional. The die-hards wear them. I don't. Just a personal preference.
Not surprisingly, I've had mixed reactions from my children. Mariana enjoyed it. She came away with treasures costly less than $10. She makes me proud. Isaac gave it a good effort. He even braved the Outlet Vultures just for the experience. Good for him, I can't do it. But I don't think he'll return for a second trip. After touching all of that junk, he pronounced, "I feel contaminated."
Okay, he's not far from wrong. This is the place where junk goes to die. This is their last chance. If not scooped up here, well, we won't talk about that.
So if you are looking for a real cultural experience, I'll see you there on Wednesday!
Gloves optional.
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