I was given 20-30 minutes.
So I titled my talk, "The Foundation for a Trauma-Informed Ministry", gave them a definition of trauma, reminded them that trauma is a ministry and it's not going away, and then shared 4 paradigm shifts in responding to children who have experienced trauma. Actually, I told them, I'm giving you the four most important things I'd want you to know if I were dropping off Victor in one of your programs.
Because the church should be the place where persons acting out due to trauma should be most accepted. Where connection always comes before correction. My four points yesterday? See the child not the behavior. Negative behavior is not to be controlled; it is communication to be deciphered. It's not that the child won't behave; the child can't behave...yet. Children are not attention-seeking; they are connection-seeking.
The question came up, as it always does, "But if I'm doing these things for the children acting up, won't the 'good' kids feel left out?"
Maybe. So if a "good" kid needs to take a backpack of papers to the hall monitor for a break from the room and a chat one-on-one with someone who cares, then let him. Maybe the "good" kid just wants to see what happens when "that kid" gets to leave the room each Sunday or maybe the "good" kid is having a bad day and needs the connection that usually goes to the kid who needs it most. Either way, what's wrong with that?
This morning I was reminded of a time when I, the proverbial rule-following "good kid" could have used connection instead of correction.
I was in eighth grade. A rough age for many and I was no exception. The internal struggle was real and that day a peer said something that exposed a weak and vulnerable place and I was hurt. The next class was with a teacher that knew me and my family well. I remember putting my head on my desk and checking out. I so desperately wanted that teacher to see me, to ask what was wrong, to connect with my broken heart. Instead, she came over and yelled at me to open my book and engage in the discussion. No questions. No conversation. No connection. So I stuffed my feelings and did as I was told. I was, after all, one of the good kids.
When I speak about trauma, I often share a story involving one of my children. As a young teen, she was serving in children's ministry at the church. She entered a large group session and noticed a girl sitting alone with feet on the chair, coat on, zipped up over her knees and body, and hood over her head. While my children may never foster or adopt because they know the chaos it causes in the home, they are certainly prepared for trauma in the real world and God is going to use that just as He did that day in that room with a child who was communicating something. Was it a child of trauma communicating big feelings of hardship or a "good" kid communicating a hurt? Who knows? We don't need to know.
My daughter told me how she went over and just sat next to the girl. She made some small talk, trying to start a conversation. The hidden girl wasn't feeling much like talking but that was okay. My daughter knew that her job wasn't to have a conversation (unless that's what the child wanted). It wasn't her job to correct. It was her job to connect. She was willing to sit there for the rest of the session if necessary. However, an adult swooped in, told the girl to take off her coat, sit up, and join the group. The girl complied but to what expense? Connection was broken.
Either we spend time meeting children's emotional needs by filling their cup with love or we spend time dealing with the behaviors caused from their unmet needs. Either way we spend the time.
-Pam Leo
Jesus spent the time. He stopped. He looked. He was moved to compassion and He loved. He connected before He corrected.
Connection always trumps correction. Always.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
In this way, love is made complete among us
so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment,
because in this world we are like Him.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:16b-19
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