Just being real

"I'm exhausted, just a weak moment right now , sometimes it's just really really hard."

I didn't post this a few days ago. But I could have.

It was, however, posted by another Mama of a child with the same condition Victor has.

I appreciated her honesty. And her willingness to be vulnerable even if it was in the anonymously public realm of the internet. I don't know her. I may never meet her but her post gave me the freedom to be honest.

To say that I'm tired of having the worst kid in the class.

I'm tired of being vigilant every time Victor is around someone else because I don't know if he's going to hit or scream or pinch someone else, bang his own head or bite his arm, or all of the above.

I'm tired of missing activities because I have a child I can't take in public.

I'm tired of being screamed at, pinched, and hit by a three year and not being able to do anything about it.

I'm tired of not knowing if this will ever end or if he'll be like this forever, only bigger and stronger.

I'm tired of having others look at me like I don't know how to parent.

And mostly I'm just tired because I'm part of a club I didn't ask to join.

Just before the post by this parent I saw a meme with the reminder to

Get Your Eyes Off Your Problems and On Jesus

and I know it was right. But sometimes I am too tired to do that, too.

I also know that there will be people who don't think I should have published this. Those who think we need to keep our problems to ourselves. Those who prefer to make everyone think their lives are fine and perfect. I didn't write it for those people. I'm not one of those people.

I wrote it for the rest of you who are tired, especially to those who are raising children or adults with special needs or children from backgrounds of trauma. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're tired and are having a worse-than-usual day. Some of us have been there. We apologize for those days before a special needs child when we might have been the ones who looked at you like you don't know how to parent or who didn't take the time to encourage you when you needed it most.

"...in a hurting world, Lord, we'll be prayer warriors
and not persistent worriers...
We'll bring our messy wounds to our Healer, 
because wounds never heal by time alone...
We'll simply be still and know...and know, really know." 
-Ann Voskamp