Before and after

I have a different child. As I said to the Good Doctor the other day, "I finally have a little boy and not a monster."

We've tried all kinds of things. Some things helped a little. Some things not at all. It was suggested that the next step would be a neuro psych evaluation which would probably result in heavy meds. He wouldn't be the first child with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia to head this route. The only problem is that they won't see him until he's 5. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to wait another year.

So we tried a different alternative. And since alternatives are often frowned upon by professionals, we've been pretty quiet about some of the things we've tried. I've heard the arguments - that I'm just a stupid mom who isn't knowledgeable enough to understand what is good for my child. I've been accused of only getting my information from blogs and of blindly listening to other less-informed parents who have been through similar situations and who claim to have found success from alternative methods, and in the end I'm just seeing what I want to see.

Believe me, if it was as easy as seeing what I want to see, I wouldn't bear the scars and black-and-blue marks from being kicked, bitten, and scratched. I wouldn't be sitting on my bathroom floor crying because I've just dealt with the 10th roll-on-the-floor tantrum over something I can't fix and it's just 10AM.

So we decided to try the health, wellness and nutrition route. It just makes sense that God would create our bodies to heal themselves. That's not to say that medications can't be part of that but if medicine has failed us, why shouldn't we try something else?

I came home from the first appointment crying but this time it wasn't a little one's tantrum that set me off. This time it was because a doctor finally listened to me. I felt validated. I felt believed. And for the first time I could begin to trust that someone was going to stick with us until we found some answers.

You don't have to believe me but I know what I live with. I know what life was like "before" and "after". The changes in diet aren't easy for any of us who have to tell him he can't have something he requests but we noticed a difference in just half a day. Five days in, and we realized there was only one tantrum. In five days, just one. Instead of 4 or 5 or more per day. And in those 5 days were two dayswhen I was gone and one of the college kids was in charge - a disruption that would cause any child to dysregulate. But even so, just 1 tantrum in 5 days.

And then this happened.  A run-in with the fireplace. He told the nurse that he was on the chair and then he got up and thought he was running to the door but he went the wrong direction. In this case, I think his visual impairment got the best of him and he got himself turned around. Instead of running through the doorway he ran full force into the outside edge of the fireplace.

I can't even imagine what this would have been like prior to this week. Strange people, smells, and noises. Pain. A needle. It would have taken at least three of us to hold him down. And then to lie quietly for the doctor to stitch him up? Again, it would have taken several of us to manage that.

But not now. He was pleasant. He cried as any child would but it only took me holding his hands to calm him. Holding his hands. Not holding him down. And instead of running around and drumming on everything in the exam room while we waited, he drove his "car" to "New Jersey" and told me he was the delivery man. Just like a normal 4 year old with an imagination who would be interested in anything new on wheels.

I'm not saying that he doesn't still yell or prefer to stay outside when I ask him to come in or that he never spins or drums. I am saying that he is more focused and centered. He is calmer. He can sit and attend to a task for more than a few seconds. He is more compliant. He is finally able to concentrate enough to understand cause and effect. And he can stop his racing brain and body long enough for a mid-day nap. That has not happened since he gave up naps 7 months ago. And he spins and drums much less often than before. He is a little boy whose behavior more closely resembles his peers than it did just one week ago.

I finally have a little boy. And I have hope.

Science with Mom or Dad

Okay, this is for everyone who keeps asking how to educate your children about the facts of life...
You have to first understand the irony of people asking me this question as there are certain words and topics that I have always had difficulty discussing. My brother would purposely walk around the house naming body parts just to cause me to blush. A psychotherapist could earn a lot of money trying to figure out all the whys and roots of my innocence but it is what it is. So when God gave us two boys first, I came up with this wonderful plan: The Good Doctor would do the bulk of the sex education with our boys and I would take the girls. Since there weren't any girls, I thought I was safe.  I was wrong.

Now, before you start composing your letters warning me that both parents must model and teach healthy sexuality in the home and that it can't be left to just one parent or to limited times in a child's life, let me assure you that I have done my part with both the male and female children and we do try to maintain open communication at all times. But when it comes down to some actual teaching of the birds and bees and mens-of-the-nation, we do make sure we cover our bases by using a book series and we do separate into male parent/male child or female parent/female child subgroups. This is to make the child more comfortable. Or maybe it's to make Mom more comfortable. Either way, it works for us.

After The Good Doctor had a few successful rounds of education with his sons, it was my turn with a certain daughter. While The Good Doctor was able to read the chosen book with little drama, no further questions and a simple "good" answer to his final question of how do you feel about this, it was not to be for me. Had I known then what I know now, I would have made a different plan; The Good Doctor would teach the girls and I would teach the boys. Consider this your warning. I can read the exact same book, to a child of the exact same age, get questions right after the first page and continuing well after the last page has long been turned. He reads and is done.

So, for all of you Moms and Dads who might be as squeamish as me with this topic, let me introduce you to the series that has saved me: The New Learning About Sex series published by Concordia. And even if you are not squeamish, this series helps you figure out what to teach and when it is appropriate to teach it. The six book set is separated by age. They used to have videos but I never recommended them to anyone as they were old and as corny as the word corny. The introduction to each book gives a little explanation and rationale into what is being taught at that age and why.

A few years back, 2 male children found "Science with Dad" written in that column of their lesson plans. They were excited for days, not believing their good luck in bidding Mom's teaching a brief adieu while Dad, the more fun parent, was obviously taking over. Suffice it to say, they were blindsided. I came home after that particular lesson to two very sheepish looking boys who were not quite as excited as they had been. When I asked about their science class, one child said in a deep, manly voice, "We had science with Dad. We learned how babies are made," and the second very quietly whispered, "It was disgusting." They didn't mind returning to Science with Mom the next day, even if it was a boring lesson on astronomy.

Sometimes Mom wins after all.

Passions and pursuits

Yesterday my child came to me with a request to reverse a healthy food change I have made in the home.  Angry, but controlled, my child had a well-thought out appeal, complete with written notes. Disagreement aside, I was impressed with the maturity of the argument.  For a child who struggles with calm and kind dialog when angry, this was a big step. We discussed.  I asked for time to think about it.  The Good Doctor and I chatted.  In the end, this child has been given the assignment to research the reasons why I have made this particular decision.  When finished, I'd like to hear a list of pros and cons from the perspective of this child. I am hoping for intelligent, mature dialog and that we can come to a mutually agreeable conclusion.

I could have immediately disagreed.  I could have argued that I have done my own research and it's a done deal.  But I try so hard not to allow food choices to become an idol and insisting on my way, without discussion, possibly negatively and permanently affecting a parent-child relationship, seemed to border on idolatry.

There is no lack of passion in today's mothers.  We want the best for our children, for our families, and for ourselves.  Knowledge, on every side of every argument, is just a few finger taps away.  There is so much passion that mommy wars are declared and fought daily, often hourly, so easily, on the battlegrounds of social media.  Passion fuels research and research takes time. And all of this time spent in passionate research and battle leads to neglect first of all in our relationship with God, the One who should determine where our passions lie, where our time is spent, upon which hills we will post the most.  Second, it takes us from our families, the ones we say we're fighting to save. It can create rifts with the ones we most want to protect. Third, it divides friendships and unwittingly or purposefully heaps guilt on the best of relationships. Finally, if we're busy at our keyboards and pouring through books, we are kept from being the hands and feet of Jesus to the hurting around us.

This morning I was convicted. Like any other idol, there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these motherly pursuits. But I do need to constantly check myself. Where does my pursuit of God fit into my schedule? If it's not first, if it's not the pursuit driving all of my other pursuits, if I don't spend at least as much time with Him as I do with all of these other pursuits, then it is all a resounding, clanging idol. I pray my passions come from God. I recommit myself to seeking God first and to spending more time with Him than I do researching any number of helpful topics.  May God direct my minutes, my thoughts, my passions, and my actions.

If I speak in the tongues of gluten free diets, essential oils and natural cleansers, but have not love, I am only a one-minded Facebook poster or annoying soapbox standing blogger. If I have the gift of exercise and can fathom homeschool curriculum, and if I have faith in my ability to find and feed my family the most organic fresh fruits and vegetables, but have not first pursued the love of my Father, it is nothing. If I give all my time to researching vaccinations and surrender my sleep to read the latest opinions and posts on adoption, but have not time or love to pursue God, to give time to my family, or to share with those in need, I gain nothing and I will be nothing.

I was made for so much more than this.

The new HopeAnne

A few months ago I started seeing posts from several adoptive parents about Isagenix products and the positive effects they were seeing on their children, adopted children in particular.

Having three adopted children in our home, I've done plenty of reading.  I've gone to all of the support group meetings that I can.  I've watched the videos.  I know that there are major connections missing in our kids' brains.  I've offered low sugar, low carb, high protein diets to give them the best opportunities at daily living and learning.  I saw some results, but knew our kids needed more.  But what?  I've seen other families try extremely restrictive diets with no results or minimal improvement.  And of course there are always medications but I wanted to exhaust other areas first.

First I saw a video, the transformation of a young woman with Down Syndrome on Isagenix.  Her health improved, her mood improved, and so did her ability to learn to read.

Next, testimonials like these caught my attention nearly every day:

"My son from Ukraine came home with us when he was 8. He had cardiovascular issues and the cleanse and the shakes stabilized his imbalanced blood levels in a day! Also his eye sight improved and the optometrist said his stigmatism reversed and his prescription improved. His soccer coach also said there was a noticeable improvement in his athletic ability and quickness and agility on the field."

"We are a work in progress... Emma age 7 FAS/ADHD adopted from Ukraine at age 2 1/2. 2012 was a HARD year and ened with hospital stay and the start of a slew of meds for mental/behavioral issues. Isagenix enters in July... started shakes and gradually increased to add mineral and other supplements per John Gray protocol for ADHD. In the process of a few weeks... prescription meds are now at 1/2 dose!! She is happier, fewer mood swings and enjoying life more."

"We brought our 2 year old home from Ethiopia in January of this year. We received his referral when he was 7 mos old, went to court Nov 2011 and finally brought him home in January. (Yep...he was STUCK in a southern region Ethiopia paper fiasco and we fought long and hard to get him home). Anyway, he was diagnosed as failure to thrive, anemic, stunted growth... he was the size of an infant when we picked him up. He is thriving now... he wears a 2T clothes, he's grown 8 inches... but we have been concerned about his hearing and speech. We have been sure we would be in speech therapy with him. We'd get real close and he'd watch my lips as I said a word... he wasn't able to repeat it or it was completely different than what I said. Easy words too...nothing difficult at all. I had no clue at all what he was saying and he is speaking English.

He's been on Isagenix for a week now...and OVERNIGHT his language developed. He is speaking CLEAR. He annunciates his words! I CAN UNDERSTAND HIM and what HE IS ASKING ME FOR! He can HEAR better!! I cried. Literally cried. He is not frustrated and it's like this light has come on in him. I HAD to share this..." 

The clincher came for me when HopeAnne wrote this story, I Know What I Like.  It was eye opening to read "I don't like to make people sad" and "I don't like to be cranky..."  It hit me that she didn't like what was happening to her, with tantrums, anger, depression, obstinacy, etc., anymore than we liked the challenges these behaviors brought to parenting.  Something had to change.

So we decided to try it with some of our children.  Our results have been more subtle but so were our presenting issues.

It took me some time to realize that her mood was better; and we had fewer meltdowns.  Over one weekend, when I had run out of the shake powder, the old Hope resurfaced, and I knew that we didn't want to go back there.  We had finally found a nutritional plan that worked.

We have been working on reading for some time now.  We held her back a year to give her a better chance but here we were in 1st grade, still trying to remember the difference between Y, U, and W.  And all of the letters have sounds?  Hit or miss.  Not only did she learn those last three letters overnight, her eyes are opened to the world of learning and she is trying to read and sound out everything.

Prior to starting on Isagenix, the mere mention of the possibility of maybe needing to clean up the smallest of areas at some point later in the day, would send her into fits so terrible you'd think we had asked her to clean up a whole restaurant at the end of a busy day, all by herself.  Now, she not only quickly complies, she is organizing things. On her own. This is not a child who used to organize.  Yesterday she reprimanded me because I didn't put her books in her bin in the right order.  Order.  Yes, she had an order to the way her books were to be stacked.

She doesn't need to be reminded to get her daily jobs done.  She is doing them all on her own, even making lists to remind herself of what needs to be done.  The list making is her idea, not mine.

She's been able to verbalize some feelings and thoughts about her birthmother.  She's cried but in a healthy way.

She used to be the last to wake up in the morning, often needing to be awakened.  This was always unpleasant for everyone involved.  Now she's up with the rest of them and in a great mood, getting her morning chores done without reminders.

It could be argued that these are all maturational steps that would have happened right now anyway.  Maybe.  But all of them at the same time?  And all of these adopted children just happened to mature, heal, or "snap out of it" all at the same time?  All after making the same nutritional choices? I don't think so.  You have to know the HopeAnne before Isagenix and the HopeAnne after.  This is a totally different child.

For more information, I'd love to chat with you, or check out these resources:

A mom's testimonial

John Gray Protocol

Our adoption consultant's story

And her husband, too