Moving on

Well, now you know all about how the Kings celebrate Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve. Maybe you've been wondering what on earth do we do on Christmas Day? Well, we rush The Good Doctor out of the Christmas Eve services just as fast as the church will let us and we head east. We arrive just in time to get a second wind because MomMom and PopPop always have stockings waiting for us and we definitely need to unwrap the underwear and socks to wear the next day. Be sure to ask the boys about the Emergency Underwear  - Just Add Water  - that they received. Even Mr. Victor got such a second wind that he refused to go back to sleep until well after midnight, making for a delightful (ahem) Christmas day.

My parents and my 90+ year old (because you should never share a woman's age) grandmother still live in the home that was built for us when I was in high school. My mom's brother, a builder, did the construction work but our family did everything we could to be a part of the project. Okay, I admit, I was not as much into the work at the construction site but my job was running the chuckwagon at home so that at the end of the day everyone could enjoy a nice, gourmet meal of hamburgers or cream dried beef gravy on English muffins, two of my specialties back in the day.

But those days are coming to an end and this year with be a year of transition. My parents have settlement in January for a new-to-them home with much less land and upkeep. It was a priority for them to find a home where my grandmother could still live with them and where she could still have her own quarters. While it may not be the same as having her own apartment, God has led them to a property with the perfect solution for the three of them, and space besides for the King clan to invade them on a regular basis. The day after Christmas a For Sale sign went up on their property.

My dad asked if we could start our Christmas morning with some memories of this house.  He went first...

I learned something new when my dad shared that one of the reasons he chose this land was because it was a cornfield with stream running through it. This reminded him of growing up in Lancaster County. He remembered there was a stream in the woods and he and his siblings made paths for trucks and tractors and built bridges over the stream. He just felt like this was the property that God had for us, and it brought back memories of childhood. His father, my PopPop Bauman, also helped with many projects during the construction of our home.

He said he remembered me vacuuming the sawdust off the studs as they went up, trying to keep my room clean and he remembers me painting my room. My mom, however, is pretty sure she was the one with the vacuum.

He remembered that there was only one tree on the property when they bought it. He remembers my brother, Chad, chopping down that tree. I had forgotten that every bush and tree has been planted since moving here. That same landscaping that he worked so hard to improve upon year by year, is one of the reasons why it's time to move. The upkeep is too much work. He fondly remembers many times when passers-by would pull over when he was out to tell him that they enjoy watching him work and take care of his property. This fall, when trying to keep up with the leaves, he knew that time had come to pass the upkeep on to someone else.

He finished by saying that after 30 years, God has other things for us and it's time to move on. He and my mom are committed to taking care of Grandmom through this move and in their new home. He put into words what we all know to be true, "It will be different."

My mom went all the way back to the first home they owned. They had moved there when I was 2 years old. For her, that house has memories of their children growing up. This house is full of memories of the grandkids growing up. With tears, she thanked the grandchildren for wanting to come here as she knows this isn't true for all of her friends.

Andrew remembered a time as a high schooler when he almost died on the family go-cart at this house. He had been driving around "the loop" and was thinking that it was about time to stop but decided to do one more lap. He had circled that lap so many times that there was more mud than traction. He went down the bank and into the creek. Thankfully, the helmet and seatbelt held him and he didn't hit the roll bar. He did get a nasty burn from the seatbelt.

Jesse reminded my mom that he loves the red blanket and a particular pillow and he put in a request that these two items make the move to the new house so he can continue to use them when visiting. He admitted that many times there was less candy in the snack drawer after he had left their house. Jolly Ranchers, in particular.

My parents have a beautiful clock they bought in Switzerland and the children knew they were never to touch it. Mariana said that it always reminded her of the glass cover over the enchanted rose in Beauty and the Beast so she just had to play with it. Thankfully, it never broke. She also thought MomMom had the best dress-up clothes.

Somehow this reminded everyone of the big bed in the guest bedroom (my old room) and they all agreed that getting to sleep in that big bed, by themselves, was a treat. My mom laughed at the memory of some of them sleeping in that bed, but by morning, there were no sheets on the bed. We all know who those restless sleepers are because the same thing happens at home!

Shoun always enjoyed the train set up my dad had in the attic. We all laughed at his memory of the edible grass my mom bought one Easter because it intrigued her.

Isaac enjoyed helping PopPop mow this past summer, mostly because he got to use the riding mower. Insert laughs and jokes about that old family movie of me learning to drive the riding mower. Let's just say that I am more stubborn than my parents and that was the one and only time I rode that mower or any mower. Unfortunately they get the last laugh whenever they pull out that video. Mariana reminded Isaac of the cute tutu and diaper photo of him that was taken in this house.

Eden's favorite place was the creek. She always wanted to bring her bathing suit, even in the winter, so she could play in there. She remembered the time cousin Annika brought a net and was trying to catch a frog. When one was caught, Eden wanted to keep it as a pet.

HopeAnne loves arriving at the house, running downstairs to say hello to everybody and just start playing. She usually pulls out the tea set first.

John remembered the night he proposed, Dec. 29, 1989, 18 months before the date we had chosen for a wedding (which would be one month after college graduation). He was in cahoots with my dad to break into the house while I was out for dinner with my parents. At this point, the kids picked up the story because they had heard it so many times.

Even though I spent more years in the duplex we owned prior to building this house, this will always feel like my homestead. One of my best memories of this house is that my maternal grandmother lived here with us. It was built on a slope so that she had her own apartment in half of the basement, with an exterior door and windows. She even had an extra bedroom for all of her craft projects including the large quilting frame that until several years ago, was never empty. Looking back, my only regret is that she did not live with us sooner. I am grateful to have lived, at least for a time, in a three generational home.

I loved my bedroom in this home. I helped to paint it and choose the colors for it. Shelves and a desk were built into one wall with the perfect window seat in the middle. I spent many hours reading in that very spot, looking out over the cornfields across the street.

I remember my surprise 16th birthday party. My mom left, saying she was going to work, when really she was circling the block until I left to babysit. I returned home in sweatshirt and jeans and was embarrassed to hear, "Surprise," when I walked in the door. I remember my high school graduation party. This time my mom was embarrassed as we acted like little kids, going down the hill on skateboards. There were also times we tried to make a slip-n-slide down the hill.

Like John, the night he proposed is one of my memories. As is the day we dropped off a basket of goodies with balloons, rang the doorbell, and ran, announcing to my parents that they were going to be grandparents.

Next Christmas we will make new memories in a new location. It will be different, but it will be family.

King Christmas once again, part 2

After the homemade cinnamon rolls, and the brunch, and the stocking letters, and the gifts, our Christmas Eve continues with family games. In the past, I have planned the games but this year I asked for help.

We played Spoons and Electric Orange.

The little girls each chose a Frozen themed game. HopeAnne had us all sing, "Do you Want to Build a Snowman" (for which the boys were all, okay mostly, good sports) and then we all did just that with marshmallows, pretzel sticks, icing and food gel.

Eden had us creating life-size Olafs.

Mariana made Dad, Mom made Andrew...

Shoun made HopeAnne...

Isaac made a seated Jesse

Jesse, our master Wal-mart shopper, took a detour from his favorite store to purchase Bingo and an interesting version of basketball from Five and Below.

Getting smarter

And then it was time to get ready for church.

Another family-focused Christmas Eve which will be a wonderful memory to share through the years. I can hear it now...

Remember that time when Mom lost that 4th emergency bowtie so only 3 of us boys got one? So unfair.

Remember that time when Mom scheduled TB tests for Christmas Eve just so she could renew our homestudy? What kind of gift was that?

Remember that time when Mom and Jesse said the big kids were going to watch Little House on the Prairie for Christmas Eve Eve? And Andrew got mad because he was going along with it but Mom thought he was serious so gave up the game too quickly?

Remember that time when Mariana kept giving false starts in Electric Orange and her team had to go backwards?

Remember that time when Dad forgot about our Christmas Eve Eve family movie night and stayed at work late instead?

Remember that time when Shoun forgot to buy a gift for his Secret Santa and wanted Dad to take him to Wal-mart during the family movie night?

Remember that superb idea Mom had to wrap our gifts in snowmen and then we had such fun rearranging them when she came up with so many alternatives to the numbering system? We have such an incredible Mom, don't we?

Yup, that was our 2014.

King Christmas once again, part 1

Well, it was that time of year again. That most wonderful time of the year. A time of trying to keep the right balance between the real reason for the season and the fun of gift giving. A time of traditions and relationships.

As always, our festivities began on Christmas Eve Eve. We've graduated to two movies on this night and I think this was the third year for that tradition. The age difference is just too great. This year's selections were Prancer for the little kids and The Truman Show for the big kids. The latter like to make fun of our 80s and 90s movies but I don't think we've let them down on Christmas Eve Eve (Split) Family Movie Night Yet. The Good Doctor, who isn't good at surprises, had let it slip that it would be a Jim Carrey movie.  We did give some of the big kids quite a scare when we handed over a Little House on the Prairie DVD, explaining that there was a Christmas episode that Jim Carrey played in as a child. But we had to admit the truth when some children were ready to walk out of the room and skip the movie altogether. Someday we'll be able to all enjoy the same movie together. But by then maybe we'll also need to have a selection for the grandkids.

Christmas Eve morning starts with cinnamon rolls and brunch.

Then on to reading the notes in our stockings. I have often wondered if the kids mind that I did away with stocking stuffers several years ago but several of them assured me this year that reading their notes is the best part of Christmas. I have to agree.

Help! I can't read cursive.

She even put a card to herself in her stocking.

Not all the notes are serious. Guess who this one was from?

Then the kids exchanged their Secret Santa gifts. Yes, we do all know that there is no Santa but it's just an easy way to identify the fact that we don't force each child to purchase gifts for all the others. Some years there are those kids with a love language of gift giving and who have enough funds to surprise everyone, but the exchange of names keeps the pressure low. It's always fun to see what they come up with for each other.

Some are master wrappers

Some say, "Mom, I want to get him something that has Superman on it."

Some give funny gifts (and a serious one later).

And someone remembered that time when Big Brother took her to the mall and he wanted to buy himself that Spiderman sweatshirt but refrained.

This year I packaged all of their gifts inside snowmen. I positioned them all around the house but said nothing about there being gifts inside.

After the kids exchanged their gifts, I gave them this speech,

"Some of you may have noticed that there are snowmen all over the house.

Some of you may have noticed that there are 8 snowmen around the house.

Some of you may have noticed that there are gifts inside.

Some of you may have noticed that there are numbers underneath the boxes (a few sheepish hands went up).

So, okay, go ahead and find your snowman."  Of course, they assumed the numbers were for birth order.

"Now that you have your box, I have a confession to make. I was afraid you'd figure out that they were in birth order so I put them in reverse birth order."  Time to find the right box again.

"I have another confession to make. They are not in birth order at all. They are in order according to when your birthday falls in the year, beginning with the January birthday." There were a few mad faces at this point but not wanting to miss out on gifts, they all rearranged the boxes a third time.

"I have another confession to make. They are actually in alphabetical order."

If looks could kill, Mariana!

Thankfully, this was correct or I may have been banned from the house for the rest of the holiday season.

Fun, fun, fun. For me, at least.

So now we will have even more music playing around here...

Tomorrow, part 2 of the King Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Each year we go through this debate; to send Christmas cards this year or not. This year the decision was kind of made for us as my address book went missing. I have a suspicion it will magically appear in one of the kid's rooms someday but until then... If you sent us a card with a return address, you probably got one from us. If you didn't, then this one's for you!

Hello friends near and far! Mister VIctor here.

I thought I would take over writing the Christmas letter this year. I saw the one mommy wrote last year and I thought it was pretty dull. I tried to tear it up (just to hear the sound of the paper) but Mommy didn’t let me. So here we go! My first ever Christmas letter!!!

This has been a great year! The whole family’s lives have pretty much revolved around me, so I think we can all agree that life is grand! :)

Even though I put up quite a fuss, Andrew decided to head back to Asbury University for his second year of college. He’s an RA this year, whatever that is. The grown-ups all say it’s quite an honor. We miss him but we’re glad he’s getting to help out with a lot of video projects and that he’s learning all kinds of fun filming secrets. Maybe he’ll make a movie about my life someday.

Jesse is a senior and HopeAnne says that means he’ll leave us next fall. He’s narrowed his search down to two colleges and both of them are in PA. That means I’ll get to drop in on him quite a bit. He wants to be a teacher. I think he should teach blind children but I am biased. He’s doing an internship a few hours each morning in a 3^rd grade class and of course the kids love him!

Mariana sings a lot. I don’t mind. I give her requests and always ask for more. She’s going to play Peter Pan in the high school musical in March. If I promise to be really quiet do you think Mom and Dad will take me? Ana’s looking for colleges, too, because she’s a junior this year.  She’s probably going to get her driver’s license really soon but Mommy and I are afraid to be in the car with her.

Shoun is going to real school for 8^th grade this year. He leaves so early in the morning that I don’t bother to wake up to say good-bye. He is at a charter school in Hbg. and believe it or not, he really likes school. He especially enjoys science. I don’t know much about science except that when I drink too much water it makes me burp and everyone laughs.

Isaac is also in grade 8. Isaac often babysits me when Mom has to go away. He teaches me useful skills like growling or hitting myself in response to a certain sound he makes. Whenever I do these things, Daddy talks about Pavlov’s dogs, whoever they are. Isaac plays viola in the Messiah College orchestra. I hope he’s not leaving for college soon, too.

Eden is 10. She likes to make lots of crafts and leaves messes of paper scraps, empty tape rolls, and cardboard all over the house. She has a really kind heart and in the fall she had an idea to collect backpacks of PJs, toys, and supplies for children entering foster care. Since launching Backpacks of Hope in Oct., she has donated 26 backpacks to our county’s Children and Youth, with more to come.

HopeAnne is a really fast runner and they keep dragging me to her races. It’s okay because she usually wins. She also goes to gymnastics and practices in the living room. I have to be careful that I don’t get knocked over by an errant cartwheel.

Daddy still works at church but that doesn’t make sense because when I go to church I don’t work, I play. He also teaches classes at Messiah College and sometimes he listens to people talk. I’m told it’s called counseling. Mommy says she doesn’t like it when Daddy tries to counsel her.

We all keep Mommy busy just by being us. She did agree to do some house managing for a local theater during the Christmas season. She said it was for a little extra Christmas money and because she had to take Eden and Hope anyway since they were in the show but my theory is that she just needed to be around adults.

Mommy said I had to be sure to mention the big news of the year. And no, we didn’t add another child. Well, we are renewing our home study but that’s a story for someone else to write. The big news is that Mommy and Daddy are starting a business called Victorious Hope Adoption Consulting. They are going to provide assistance, encouragement, and networking to partner with families who want to adopt cute babies and kids like me. Spread the word; they should be up and running in January.

Oh, and me, Victor. Of course you want to hear about me. I’m 20 months old now. People say I’m a chunky little guy but mostly they just say I’m adorable. I learned to walk in July and Mommy says that now I’m trouble with a capital T but secretly I think she likes it cause it means I don’t let my lack of vision slow me down. I’ve decided to start talking and someday in the future I’ll tell Mom and Dad exactly what I can see. In the meantime, they have figured out that already God has healed me so that I see a whole lot more than the doctor thought I would.

It was a tough year for many of our family and friends. We’ve had our trials, too. We pray for healing for the sick, comfort for those who are grieving, and restored relationships for those that are broken. It was also a great year of many blessings. We have each other and we can’t wait to see what God has in store for each of us in 2015. We have a lot of fun together and who knows what could happen next year with this crazy group we call family!

I could go on and on, but I’m ready for a p-p-p (cup to you less informed folk) so I think I’m just gonna end with - -

Merry Christmas, Everybody!!!

With Love,

Victor (with permission from Dad, Mom, Andrew, Jesse, Mariana, Shoun, Isaac, Eden, and HopeAnne)

Memories of home

A recent trip to our old stompin' grounds led to reflections and confessions by the kids.

We passed our first real home, the one that we moved into when I was pregnant with Andrew. Three children were born while we lived in that home which was awfully convenient since the hospital was just right up the block. None of the children remembered much from this home.

They do, however, have many memories from our next home where we lived until Andrew was going into 3rd grade and Isaac was just 3 years old.

Jesse confessed to hiding his carrots under the chair mats and watching the dog eat them later. Too bad for him the chair mats didn't make the move to this home.

He also remembered his friend, Dean. The two had a great time playing at our house one afternoon but we were more than slightly embarrassed to find that Dean, who had been there just a second ago, suddenly went missing when his mom showed up. A frantic search revealed that Dean had chosen to take refuge under Mariana's bed because he didn't want to go home.

Mariana remembered the Great Hair Cutting Incident of Aught -Three. Most children try their hand at hair cutting, taking just a sample from the front or side. Mariana cut chunks from both and hid the evidence under her pillow. When questioned she tried to tell me that my mom had cut her hair. Nah. I knew how my mom cuts hair, with that ugly pink tape across my forehead and since I don't know if they even sell that pink stuff anymore, I doubted that my mom was doing any hair cutting. Anyway, I found the evidence a day later. The hairdresser, who assured me on the phone that she could fix anything, took one look at Mariana's chop job and declared it un-fixable.

She also remembered creating a hole in the bottom of Jesse's birthday pinata so she could steal some gum. She also hid this under her pillow (this was in her less-creative days). She now realizes the stupidity of chewing gum at bedtime which need to be thrown away after just a chew or two.

And she remembers me throwing up in the kitchen sink when I was pregnant with Isaac. Oh well, we all have those un-glamorous moments.

After these two gave memory after memory, and confession after confession, Andrew piped up from the back, "For the record, notice that none of these stories are about me doing anything bad. I was the perfect child."

Yeah, right.

All through the night

I woke up at 3:30 this morning to work some magic on a coughing child. She sweetly thanked me which ended up being the highlight of my night. But the magic worked and the coughing stopped.

If only I had some magic to put myself back to sleep.

Never mind. Victor woke up crying. The poor guy thinks that if he can't find a pacifier and he isn't sufficiently wrapped in blankets that he needs to alert me. Poor me, actually.

I tried wrapping in blankets but wasn't desperate enough to try a pacifier. Maybe I should have.

Half an hour later the dog was barking. I let him out of the den thinking he must need to relieve himself but he walked right past the back door I held open for him and into the bathroom where he got himself a big, long drink. Before you judge, let me tell you that we got this dog used and he has never, ever helped himself to the doggie water bowl. I don't know what his first owners did to him but he prefers his out of the toilet, thank you very much. But only if it's clean which is a good thing, I guess.  He's been known to sit outside of the door and whine if the throne room is occupied when he gets a hankerin' for a long sip of toilet water.

All in a day's work. Or should I say, night's work?

Whatever. Of course The Good Doctor slept right on through the coughing, the crying, the barking and the lapping. This is the same man who slept through, "Mom...Mom...Mom...I'm going to throw up!" yelled directly into his ear, to me on the other side of the bed. And this is also the same man who slept through being taped to the sofa.

Some people have all the luck.

Meet the Klings

The following story is fictional and might not depict any actual person or event.

This is the tale of two families. They share a last name and for a brief moment in time they shared a connection, albeit a minute and harebrained connection. Beyond that, they have very little in common and though it be a small world, their paths are likely to never cross again.

Our first family, the PA Klings, are a happy family. They love life, they find humor in most situations, and they generally see the best in humankind.  You might be interested to know that the PA Klings love music and theater. They are known to burst into song at the most inopportune moments. Our second family, the CA Klings are dairy farmers. They, quite in contrast to the PA Klings, sadly live as if everyone they meet is out to get them and they have to guard their home and herd very closely. One other interesting fact to note is that the CA Klings love crime shows; Law and Order (all of them), CSI (all of them), even old Columbo reruns (there's only one Columbo). Mr. CA Kling, in particular, considers himself a self-taught investigator due to the number of criminal shows he has seen. Nothing gets by him on the dairy farm.

At the beginning of our story, the PA Klings have no idea that there is another family who shares their name and who is about to become entangled in their business.

One day, Mrs. PA Kling received an email in error. This particular email was from a 4-H leader and asked about Mrs. PA Kling's daughter's interest in joining their dairy 4-H club. Mrs. PA Kling knew this email was sent in error because a.) The PA Klings do not own any dairy  b.) The PA Klings never ever expressed interest in joining a dairy 4-H club   c.) Mrs. PA Kling could not imagine any of her daughters having any interest in dairy even with the allure of possibly becoming a future Dairy Princess and   d.) While Mrs. PA Kling always wanted a farm, she was more interested in goats and chickens than bovines.  These errant emails happened quite frequently as the PA Klings had what appeared to be a very common email address. Since the infamous snuggie texter is one of Mrs. Kling's heroes, she responded in her usual fashion; with a totally ridiculous and outlandish email which she assumed would alert the mistaken 4-H leader that she had sent an email to the wrong person.

However, as the PA Klings came to find out, the 4-H dairy club leader in who-knows-where didn't catch the humor in the email and sent a second email, kind of like the unaware other half of those infamous snuggie texts.  So, Mrs. PA Kling did the only thing she knew to do, she sent another email, similar in its outrageous and ludicrous message.  Again, the 4-H leader responded, this time asking for the contact information, health history, and anything else relevant to registering a precious PA Kling daughter for a dairy club.  At this point, Mrs. PA Kling gave up. She was having difficulty thinking of other preposterous and absurd responses and even if this 4-H leader happened to live nearby, Mrs. PA Kling just could not convince any of her daughters to join.

Mrs. PA Kling went about her business and forgot all about the time her daughters almost became 4-H dairy club members to meet dairy farmer's sons who would themselves grow up to propose to said daughters so they could all be future dairy farmer's wives.  Time went by as time will do. A week. A month. Months.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the continent, The CA Klings went into panic mode. Their adored and highly regarded  4-H dairy club leader told them about the two obnoxious emails she received from a stranger. She failed to mention that she was the one who contacted the PA Klings in the first place and that it wasn't the PA Klings that had sought her out. Missing this critical piece of information, Mr. CA Kling immediately decided that a stalker or predator was out to get his (hopefully soon-to-be) dairy princess daughter. Fearing for her life and the life of her dairy cow, Bessie, he turned to his local police department.

His call was picked up by Mr. CA Policeofficer. Mr. CA Kling explained the two hilarious emails that the community's esteemed 4-H leader had received from a cyber criminal. Once again, the important fact that it was the 4-H leader's mistake in the first place, was left out of the evidence list. The police officer on the phone agreed to look into this despicable crime, stifling the laughter that was about to erupt. But though he was born at night, he was not born last night. Even he could figure out that there was a missing link; an email which started the whole thing, and that there was no cause for alarm. He File Thirteened the whole thing and forgot all about it. Until the next day when Mr. CA Kling called again. And again. The next, day, too. Mr. CA Kling was nothing if not persistent and insistent that there was a crime being committed against his daughter. It got so the police department would moo loudly every time the phone rang.  Mr. CA Policeofficer ignored the whole thing as best he could and spent his time on real crimes like trash cans placed too close to the road on trash day and uneutered cats without tags prowling the neighborhood. He did not consider an emailer with a great sense of humor to be worthy of investigation.

This is when Mr. CA Kling saw his door of opportunity. No more small town crimes and mysteries among his herd; he would get to test his skills on the real deal. He sat down at his computer and employed the best stalker and predator tactics he had learned on those crime shows. Never mind that they were always used by the criminal and never by the authorities, this called for the big guns.

Within a few minutes, he knew the email account holder's name, Mr. Johann PA Kling. He knew Mr. Johann PA Kling's address in Pennsylvania. He knew that Mr. Johann PA Kling was a pastor and worked at McDonald's Brothers and Cisterns in the Lord Church and he knew the name and phone number of the senior pastor at this church. Or at least he thought he knew. What he never ever considered was that maybe more than one person used that email account. He never ever considered that not all of the users of that account had such excellent writing skills and an over-the-top sense-of-humor. It also didn't occur to him that there was the slightest chance that no one was trying to groom his daughter by twice and done replying to their acclaimed 4-H leader's mistaken email. In fact, it appears as if he never ever considered a lot of things. But he was on a roll. He was about to be the first dairy farmer turned detective to close the biggest criminal ring in PA and CA history.

First on his to-do list was to call Mr. Johann PA Kling's boss at the McDonald's Brothers and Cisterns in the Lord Church. Mr. CA Kling could barely contain himself while waiting for the senior pastor to pick up. You can imagine his disappointment when it was a church administrator who answered instead. His disappointment was short-lived as he figured he could do a little more sleuthing first. He inquired about Mr. Johann PA Kling and the administrator informed him that this particular pastor was on vacation.

HOLD THE PHONE! WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Mr. CA Kling found himself choking, unable to breathe, fear and trepidation gripping his heart with tentacles of dread. Mr. Johann PA Kling was gone from the office? On "vacation"? Surely it was obvious to more than just Mr. CA Kling that Mr. Johann PA Kling was on a plane on his way to CA at that very minute to finish what his dairy club emails had started. Mr. CA Kling coughed out a quick good-bye and said he'd call back later. He spent a sleepless night guarding his home, moving his dairy herd into the house, thereby creating a barrier between his CA Kling family and the criminal mastermind he now knew as Mr. Johann PA Kling.  

The next morning he was bleary-eyed and stubble-faced but he was ready to try again. This time his call to the McDonald's Brothers and Cisterns in the Lord Church was picked up by the boss man. He hurriedly informed his new friend the senior pastor that he had a child predator on his leadership team. His proof? A string of highly suspicious (but hilarious and outrageous) emails from a certain Mr. Johann PA Kling on his payroll who was also missing "on vacation" while really on his way to CA to do away with all of the CA Klings. He informed said senior pastor that he had also called the local McDonald's community police and they were watching Mr. Johann PA Kling.

Thankfully, the senior pastor does not watch crime shows, not even old Columbo reruns. He didn't see things the same way as Mr. CA Kling. When Mr. Johann PA Kling returned (not from CA), the two chatted about Mr. CA Kling and his accusations. Mr. Johann PA Kling was clueless and dumbfounded. He would never do these things of which he was being charged. They both left the meeting confused and unsure how to proceed. So Mr. Johann PA Kling did the only thing he could; he called Mrs. PA Kling. He told her the whole story and her ears perked when she heard him say two emails to a favored 4-H dairy farmer.

HOLD THE PHONE! WHAT?!?!??!?!?! Mrs. Kling practically shouted, "Wait a minute. I sent those emails and I certainly wasn't stalking anyone! I was copying the snuggie texter!"  Mr. Johann PA Kling was not amused. He hung up the phone, contacted a divorce attorney, had papers drawn up, took them home to Mrs. PA Kling, and employed the same silent treatment that was typically effective for Mrs. PA Kling. He didn't watch crime shows himself but his wife did. He knew what these kinds of accusations could mean to a pastor. He wasn't taking any chances; he had to separate himself from the real emailer swift and sure.

But Mrs. PA Kling does enjoy a good Law and Order or CSI on occasion. She knew that no crime had been committed. She knew that she would never even hurt a flea. Well, actually, she is known for squishing fleas found on the dog. She has also been guilty of paying her kids a quarter for each stink bug flushed. But when looking at the facts, it was clear that at this point, Mr. CA Kling was guiltier of stalking the PA Klings than the PA Klings were of stalking anyone anywhere. The only reason they knew anything at all about him was because he had taken the time to stalk and accuse Mr. Johann Kling and let slip his state of origin. So Mrs. PA Kling did the only thing she knew to do; she suggested that they just call the local McDonald's police department and give them the whole story. They did. They laughed. She even offered her phone number so Mr. CA Kling (who probably already had her number) could call and she could apologize for her jocularity which he clearly didn't share. The officer passed that information along but Mr. CA Kling never called. He was either too busy moving the herd out of the house or was on to the next perceived crime wave.

And Mr. Johann PA Kling eventually rescinded the divorce papers although he did make Mrs. PA Kling promise never ever to post or email anything in cyberspace until first having it approved by him.

All's well that ends well.

But don't mention anything to Mr. Johann PA Kling. This story traumatizes him.