Redemption wins

There's no pretty school today. Fall break. It's only noon and already I've been slapped twice, hard, on the back (the back that still suffers from the effects of another child's trauma), bear the signs of multiple scratchings on my arms and legs (I guess it's time to put the capris and short sleeves away in favor of longer pants and sleeves), have a bite mark on my hand, had forks and toys thrown at me, and yelled at enough to decrease my hearing. Why? Well, let's see, because I asked him to stop banging the silverware on the steps, the MP3 player needed charging, the chair wasn't in the right place, I asked him to use the potty, the drawer of my sewing table is fake and won't open, he spilled his water when trying to pour from one cup to the other, I won't let him use cleaning supplies, I asked him to wear underwear ..... It really doesn't matter. If he's upset, he's likely to become dysregulated, and I make a good target.

It's days like this when I say enough! I'm done. I can't do this anymore. Parenting trauma is too hard. Loving is too exhausting and painful.

But that's not an option. When we said yes to kids from hard places, we said yes to every single one of their coping mechanisms, all of their trauma-based behaviors, each and every fight, flight, or freeze response. Kind of like marriage - for better or worse.

Some days are better. Some days are worse. So I take a break and separate myself to pray. To claim that promise that this child would be victorious. He WILL be victorious.

And just when I think I can't take anymore he brings me his Braille alphabet book and sweetly tells me he found the letter U and the umbrella. He invites me into his space. So I will go.

But I will go with prayers for all of my friends doing hard things. Stepping into the darkness with people. Holding hands with the weary, grieving, broken. Allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable so others can be comfortable. So others can heal.

Where redemption wins.

Worn

Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn