Best gift ever

If you are familiar with the 5 Love Languages then you know that one of them is gift giving.  Unfortunately for the Good Doctor, this isn't in his top 4.  To make matters worse, it's in my top 2.  But that's the way it goes.

I've learned to handle it by not setting my expectations too high.  That way I can ooh and aah and sound excited when I receive a dish pan or frying pan or even the annual pajamas and a candle.  From Wal-mart.  Purchased the day before.  But who's counting?

So imagine my surprise when the Good Doctor gave me the best gift ever -

 He was so excited he almost opened the card intended for me.

Auntie Katrina is coming from Utah to visit!  If you don't remember, Katrina is a great friend and was a huge part of our adoption journey.  After reading the news in a card from the Good Doctor, I was able to enjoy not one, not two, but three "I'm coming to PA" videos from Katrina.  Just think, she's giving up the slopes and her daycare toddlers to spend some time with us!

The Good Doctor did such a good job with this gift that I even voluntarily spoke his love language, even if for the briefest of moments.

I'm so excited to be picking her up from the airport today.  How fun it will be to reconnect after all those memorable moments together in Utah.  She has been such a special part of our journey.

I just hope she's as excited to spend a few days in a house full of ten as I am to have her visit.  She may need a long vacation after this vacation.

Christmas Traditions

Traditions are great and our kids need them.  Some come from our home of origin while others morph over time.  I'm definitely a traditions kind of mom.

Ours start Christmas Eve Eve.  Since one of our traditions is to sleep over at MomMom and PopPop's house Christmas Eve, we have our celebration on the day before Christmas.  Thus, the early start.

Christmas Eve Eve includes family movie night except that often, family movie night becomes two family movie nights because it's difficult to find something for everyone.  And Christmas Eve practice at church kind of cut into the Christmas Eve Eve family movie night as well so next year I'm putting my foot down, no one leaves the house after 6PM.  Family and traditions trump everything else, after all.

Anyway, 6PM is the whole family movie.  Then, after the younger kids go to bed, 8PM is the big kids' movie.  So far we've done popular 80s movies but I suppose we will run out at some point and either have to start over or move into the next decade.  It's been fun to introduce the kids to some of our favorite movies and to have mature conversations afterward.  Of course special snacks, not normally found in our house, are included.

Christmas morning starts with a little something to hold you over until brunch.  This year the children found instructions and a daily schedule (with approximate times but enough information so I didn't have to answer the same questions X7 all day long).  Their first assignment, while everyone was gathering, was to write encouraging notes to their grandparents.  When all were awake, or at least upright, we sat down together.  This year we finished the Jesse Advent Tree, then spent some time debriefing from the events of 2013, and had a time of prayer.  Then, one of my favorite parts, reading the encouraging notes we wrote to each other and placed in our stockings.  A few years ago we did this in lieu of stocking gifts and we've enjoyed it so much that it's been a treasured tradition.  I may or may not have cried a bit during this part.

Of course there are gifts.  The children exchange names and that's always a fun time so they went first.  There's always someone who has given it away ahead of time but HopeAnne was the hero of the gift exchange this year.  She had Shoun's name but every time Jesse tried to torment her and ask her again to tell him whose name she had, she'd always respond, "Jesse."  She stuck with it so well that she even had him almost fooled into thinking that she did have his name.  It was all her idea to make Shoun a blanket.

There were a lot of special gifts this year including a handmade picture from Mariana...

...car decals for John (just to make people look twice as he drives around town in a small car presumably filled with 10)...

...a Cookie Monster from Andrew to his Secret Santa, Victor, who promptly chewed on his new toy (Victor did the chewing, that is).  Victor also had Andrew and chose this shirt all by himself ...

...noise makers for Victor made by Eden and HopeAnne (yes, they did use empty pill bottles and yes, we did cover up the labels so he wouldn't look like such a druggie, and yes, we did use childproof caps and yes, we did hot glue gun the lids just to be safe)...

...footie PJs from the boys, who insisted I open their gifts at the same time, just to be fair...

...handmade scarves from Jesse...

...and tune in tomorrow for the best gift of all (but here's a hint)...

What I learned in 2013

This morning during church we listened to 9 people share what they have gone through in 2013 and what they have learned from it.  Well, actually I didn't get to listen to all 9 testimonies because Mr. Victor was being noisy, happy, but noisy.  Thankfully, two very dear people rushed to the lobby when they realized Eden was going to be speaking and offered to watch the loud baby so I could hear her speak.  After that I tried to listen on the lobby TV but the sound wasn't the greatest.  I was definitely blessed by what I heard so I'm certain that anyone who heard all 9 was especially blessed and challenged.

See Eden's testimony here.

I'm proud of you, Eden.  I don't think I had stage presence like that until I was in my 30s!

So blessed

Our 2013 Christmas Card - Merry Christmas!

So blessed…

Our lives have been an open book this year.  Many of you have followed our 2013 journey on Facebook and on this blog. We considered not writing a Christmas letter this year since we don’t want to bore you with the same story over and over.  On the other hand, we decided we really want to thank our family and friends again for the many ways you supported and encouraged us this year.  We are so blessed.

As we announced last Christmas, we moved into 2013 expectantly waiting to hear a yes from a birth mother; to finally be matched with a child in need of a home.  In March, Eden got tired of waiting.  She told Cindy that she was going to pick a date and pray that we would be matched by that date.  She chose April 20 and later added 5PM.  Sure enough, on April 20 at 4PM, upon arriving home from a concert, we found 3 emails about potential matches.  The third one was a long shot and the caseworker knew it.  She asked if we’d consider a micro preemie born 15 weeks early weighing only 1 lb. 13 oz.  She acknowledged the medical risk involved and also the logistics of this case – the baby was in a NICU in Utah.  By the end of the week we knew that God had chosen this particular baby for us, a baby we named Victor Noah King.  We were so blessed.

Our faith community immediately surrounded us.  They prayed for us, provided meals and transportation and volunteered to fill needs we didn’t even know we had. For Cindy, living in Utah for 3 months was a life-altering adventure.  She visited Victor daily, watching prayerfully during his good days and bad days.  “Don’t forget to breathe” became our new mantra.  Finally, at the end of July, Victor came home to be with his forever family.  We were surrounded with blessing.

In October we received the devastating news that Victor has little, if any, sight.  Our hearts break at this news as we grieve what Victor doesn’t have but we rejoice at what he does have – life and a family to love him.  We are committed to giving him all the opportunities available to him.  His name came from a promise from God that our baby would be victorious.  Through him many have been, and will continue to be, blessed.

But of course that’s not all that has happened in the King household this year.  Life goes on even in the midst of adoption, Mom moving to Utah and home again, and the day-to-day with a newborn.  We are all blessed as we explore the talents God has uniquely gifted to us and as we share them with others.

Andrew graduated from Mechanicsburg High School this spring.  He was one of three students selected to give a graduation speech.  His words showed maturity and depth and challenged his classmates to look for ways to serve others. He is currently a freshman at Asbury University, majoring in media communications.

Jesse is a junior at Mechanicsburg High School, looking ahead to college visits and major decisions in the next year.  He served as football mascot for the third year in a row, running around as the crazy Wildcat.  He just auditioned for district chorus and made it in as 9^th chair cellist.

Mariana enrolled at Capital Area School for the Arts for her sophomore year, doing what she does best and loves most.  This year she has performed as Millie in Millie and Nurse Preen in The Man Who Came to Dinner and she has a lead role in the high school’s upcoming spring musical.

Shoun decided to try flag football through Upward this year and thinks he’ll be a professional football player some day.  If that doesn’t work out he’s thinking he may be well suited for a career in social work or psychology. We agree. He is in 7^th grade and is cyber schooled. 

Isaac is also in 7^th grade and is still homeschooled.  He is moving right along in viola lessons and also plays for the West Shore Symphony Orchestra.  Unfortunately, a soccer injury and resulting broken wrist have had him sidelined for a few weeks but hopefully he will be back soon.

Eden is also homeschooled.  She is in 3^rd grade.  She has performed in three shows at Allenberry Playhouse this year.  She was Molly in Annie, the young neighbor in Wait Until Dark, and is currently a Christmas elf with Isaac.

HopeAnne is in 1^st grade at home.  She decided to try acting this summer so was an orphan with Eden in Annie.  She also competed with the Healthy Kids Running Series and placed 1^st in all 5 races.  She loves gymnastics classes as well.

And we can’t forget about John.  He finally finished his doctoral degree in Counselor Education and Supervision from Regent University.  Like father, like son, he also was asked to give a speech at graduation.  He says he’ll finally be able to get to that honey-do list now.

A year ago we never could have imagined the highs and lows that 2013 would bring.  Through it all, we can say with confidence that we are blessed.  We have joy, we have peace, and we have love.  We have family and we have hope in Christ.  We don’t need to know what 2014 holds because we trust that He knows the journey He’s leading us on. He knows every detail. He knows each hurt we’ll pass through as well as each joy-filled moment.  And it is always His will to bless us. 

May you step out in faith and may your eyes be opened to the blessings found in Christ’s love, joy, and peace as you journey through 2014.  That is our prayer for you.  Thank you for the blessing you have been to us; for your prayers, your acts of service and your words of encouragement, your financial support and your sacrificial giving in so many ways.

Stress and hope

I recently read a blog post written by a new foster mom.  In it she listed the top 10 (or was it 20?) truths she has learned as a new foster parent.  While I agreed with most of what she said, I struggled with one of her points.  It was when she said that given structure and love, all children will thrive.  The very next day I read a post written by a man very involved in orphan care, reminding foster and adoptive parents to be honest and realistic when we speak about parenting these children; no rose colored glasses and perfect pictures.

Maybe the first author was blessed with a best-case scenario; a "Disney World" fostering situation.  It happens.  Some children do thrive immediately.  Some children bond easily and some never struggle with identity or past issues. But more often, children still struggle with abandonment, control, disruptive behaviors, anger, and a host of other issues even in the most loving environments.  It takes a lot more than structure and love.  Studies have shown that for many of these children, the trauma and losses they experienced early on will hinder their ability to think, reason, and process for a long time, sometimes forever.

And it effects not only the child and parents, but the whole family as well.  We attend an adoption support group.  I go for me.  I need this place where I'm not alone, where we understand each other, where we can talk about what's happening at home and where we can share research and ideas.  I go for my adoptive children.  They need a place where they are not alone, where they understand each other and where they can talk about what's happening at home and in their minds.  I go for my biological children.  They need a place where they are not alone, where they understand each other and where they can talk about what's happening at home and in their minds.  Someone recently asked me if it was fair to separate the kids into bio and adopted kids at support group.  It's not only fair, it's necessary.  Both sets of children need a place to talk and vent and share their feelings without fear of hurting the other party's feelings.  They are at different places, they come from different backgrounds. They need to be with those who understand and validate their feelings.  The biological child who made the above picture may not have done so if sitting in a room with an adopted sibling close by.  I need to see this, though, because it tells me how this child is feeling.

Another child made this picture.  We talked about it and it gave me so much insight into this child's feelings.  Between the two of them they have identified that adoption is stress, a weight (as represented by the large mug and small hand) needs preparation, diverse (thus the different chips in the top left corner), hope, joy, not simple, different, and includes more kids.  Neither child would say that adoption is wrong.  Neither would say that we shouldn't have adopted.  Neither would I.  Parenting is hard, some children are more difficult than others.  The same is true of adopted children but with the addition of loss and sometimes trauma, it can be even more difficult.

Growing up, I saw missionaries as the epitome of Christian service.  I loved their slide shows (yes, I'm that old) and their testimonies of God's goodness in the times of trial.  One that I've never forgotten was a family called to Papua New Guinea (I had never even heard of Papua New Guinea prior to their presentation but I've never forgotten it since).  They lost a child to a sudden accident while on the mission field.  They grieved but they also knew that God was still in control.  They never expected life in service to be perfect or "pretty" but expected hardship to come. In answering the call, they knew that they would need to be willing to be uncomfortable (or worse) so that others could be comfortable. I remember wishing for such a "noble" call and wondered why I wasn't special enough to be chosen for God's service.

Today I know that being called to the mission field overseas is not the only kind of service.  Each of us is called to our own "hard place" but a place from where we can love the unlovable and serve the least of these.  We also need to go forward in our place of mission knowing that it is going to be difficult.When someone is called to overseas missions, they go through extensive training in culture, language, the Bible, etc.  The sending agencies want their missionaries to be prepared for what they will face.  They want them to know ahead of time that they will need to be uncomfortable so that those they serve can be comfortable.  They want them to have hope in the hard places but to be realistic as well.

This goes against everything in our American culture which tells us that we need to be comfortable at all costs.  But we don't serve the gods of selfishness, consumerism, and entitlement.  We serve a God of love, compassion, and service.  We give sacrificially to those we are called to serve because we serve a God who made the ultimate sacrifice for us.  In our love for Him, we serve others.  It hurts.  It's messy.  It's love.

I'm more aware than ever that when I talk to those who are considering orphan care of any kind, I want to be hopeful yet realistic.  I want them to be aware of the issues.  Know the statistics and the research.  Love and pray.  A lot.  Seek help.  Get respite.  Know that you are not alone.  If you have a Disney World adoption, know you are blessed.  If you don't, you are still blessed but don't feel like you're doing something wrong.  Press in to the One who asked you to care for His children in the first place.  Parenting, and especially parenting wounded children, is where we learn to rely on His strength and wisdom. And ultimately, there is hope.

If you aren't called to adopt, maybe you're being asked to help those who have.  Pray for them.  Get to know these parents and their children.  Offer respite if you can, for either an adopted child or the biological sibling(s).  Even a few hours apart from the child can be so refreshing for every member of the family.  Behaviors that come out at home will often be non-existent for the few hours that child is with you.  That doesn't mean the adoptive/foster family is doing something wrong.  Don't judge.  You can help relieve some of the stress in the family by just being a safe place away from home.

And if you aren't called to adopt or help those who have, you aren't off the hook.  You are called to your own hard place.  It won't be easy.  You won't be able to do it on your own strength. But you likely won't have to leave the country to find it.

“Stay where you are. Find your own Calcutta. Find the sick, the suffering, and the lonely right there where you are — in your own homes and in your own families, in your workplaces and in your schools. You can find Calcutta all over the world, if you have the eyes to see. Everywhere, wherever you go, you find people who are unwanted, unloved, uncared for, just rejected by society — completely forgotten, completely left alone.”

Mother Teresa (1910-1997);
Founder Of The Missionaries Of Charity

Be specific!

I know I'm dating myself when I say that I've watched all of Bill Cosby's comedy sketches.  On VHS.  One of my favorites is the one when he tells his children it's time to get a shower. He makes sure to remind them to turn on the water, to wash - with soap, to rinse, and to turn the water off and be sure to dry off.

He has a point and I try to implement these specific instructions when telling my children what to do.

But I guess that when I asked someone to let the dog in,

I forgot to also ask her to unhook the chain as well.

Poor Linus was patiently waiting for me to rescue him.

Better luck next time.

My son can't see

There are moments when I forget.  Like when the Good Doctor was trying to get Victor to sleep for the night.  I walked into the room and turned the light off, absentmindedly asking, "Does that help?" Or when I walk toward someone and, making small talk, ask Victor, "Do you want to see so-and-so?"

There are other times when it can be consuming. Like when we're trying to take pictures. You can't call Victor's name and expect him to look at you. You can't make eye contact and hope for a cute smile.  You can't make goofy faces to get his attention or that perfect smile for the picture. When you hold him and wish you could get a smile by locking eyes. When you see another child of similar age smiling, rolling over, sitting up, even starting to crawl.

Every now and then, a great smile or belly laugh.

And then there are the questions. What are we going to do about schooling? What family traditions should we change because they are based on sight? What family activities will we avoid? Will he be musical? Can I continue to interpret for the deaf when I have a child who will never see me do so? Will my church have a place for him? Will he have friends?

But at the end of each day, I know that we're going to be okay. Victor is right where he is supposed to be. We are so blessed to have him and he is blessed to have life. Like the rest of us, he will find his place in this world. He will make a difference. He will serve others. He will shine a light in dark places.   Yes. This is what he was created to do and he will fulfill all that God has planned for him. He will be victorious and in the process, he will teach us to be victorious, too.

Finalization celebration, part 7

I learned something new today; my Facebox inbox has an "other" box. Who knew? Unfortunately for the people who thought they were contacting me in the past few years, I'm a little slow. My apologies. The good news is, I replied to each and every one. The bad news is, my replies were a little late.

One of those "other" messages was a letter for us about Victor and his adoption. This is from a family that is still grieving the loss of their precious son and brother. Thank you for your words. And to the many who are still sending us your reflections, thank you. I have not published all of them on this blog but we are keeping them for Victor. How special each and every one is to us.

"It's been in the back of my mind since you first requested to hear how Victor has touched the lives of the community. It's incredibly hard for me to put it into words. While you were in Utah, I followed each blog post and excitedly waited for more to come, hoping and praying for good news. I have some understanding of what it feels like to see the struggles one little man can endure. Our oldest son ... had his own hurdles to cross and unfortunately, it never seemed like he did that. For 3 and a half years, we had a newborn. His room was filled with special equipment needed to survive each day. He ate liquids through a tube (and we tried 3 different kinds!) but loved any purees we would spoon feed him. He needed his temperature and heart rate monitored, and sometimes went for a few days at a time hooked up to oxygen. And with all of the specialists he saw and 6 therapists coming into our home, we never had any idea how long his life would be but expected him to grow old with us. With his birthday tomorrow, he has been on my mind almost constantly. When I think about Victor in contrast, I am hopeful for a long, blessed life for him. It fills me with joy to see how he has changed and grown since you first saw him and shared him with all of us! I am thankful for Victor, the smallest, cutest, most loved super hero I know. Thank you Kings, for your open hearts, for your love and sleepless nights and for putting the story into words for us! And Mr. Victor-ious, I'm sure that if we meet someday, you're going to be in for one giant hug, with tears of joy on the side."

Call me blessed

I'm not a Proverbs 31 woman.  Mostly I try to ignore that passage. It causes too much guilt and discouragement. I've never brought food from afar nor have I provided food for my female servants. I've never bought a field or planted a vineyard.  My lamp always goes out at night and I've never held a distaff or a spindle.  I've never clothed my children in scarlet nor would they let me even if I tried. However, there is one item on the list that I find myself dreaming of on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.  It's verse 28: Her children arise and call her blessed.  I'm waiting for the day.

I'm waiting for the day that my children arise and call me blessed for making them eat healthy food. Right now it sounds more like complaining.  Or whining.

Someday my children will arise and call me blessed for homeschooling them.  Actually, one has thanked me for her few years of schooling at home and just recently another unexpectantly thanked me for teaching him about adverbs.  Baby steps.

I can't wait until my children arise and call me blessed for making them wear a coat when it's cold.  The other morning one child left the house in a huff because I made him put on a winter coat, on top of his short sleeve shirt.  Looking out the window, I saw him take a few steps into the wind and immediately pull the coat tighter around him and he even pulled his hood over his head.  It's kind of like arising and calling me blessed, isn't it?

I think that there will even come a day when they will arise and call me blessed for making them clean their rooms.  If opposites attract, then all of my children are going to marry neat freaks.  For the sake of marital bliss, I'm certain that they will one day thank me that they know how to keep things clean.  At the very least that they know how to placate a neat freak.

For now they just roll their eyes because I keep telling them that someday they will arise and call me blessed.