Snorers

For approximately 20 years I've been doing some independent research with a small control group of snorers and have come to some important conclusions that may be helpful to any of you who suffer from this malady or who know someone that does. I, personally, fall into one of the two groups but to protect myself, will not disclose which one.

Snorers know that they snore but have momentary memory lapses when it is discussed. For example, imagine a snorer waking up after a restful night, finding the non-snorer who's been up for hours and has already made and cleaned up breakfast, done two loads of laundry and put it on the line to dry, and transported two kids to appointments, and the snorer asks, "What time did you get up?" The non-snorer responds, "Four hours ago." This leads the snorer to ask, "Why did you get up so early?" At this point the non-snorer should be sensitive to the momentary memory lapse so instead of snarling, "Because you were snoring, Dear," you can instead respond with a death glare (known in my house as The Bauman Stare).

If you know someone who always answers, "I'm tired" when asked how he or she is, that's probably a snorer. Again, that momentary memory lapse keeps the snorer from remembering that the spouse is actually the exhausted one.

Snoring increases with age. Except in the case of three year old snorers. In such a young age, it is possible that the removal of the tonsils by a trained medical professional will stop the snoring.

Snoring appears to be a form of white noise for the snorer who can always sleep through it.

Snorers are very kind and generous people and want you to wake them up when they are snoring so that they can move to another area of the house, thereby allowing you a quiet and peaceful sleep.

Snorers do not want you to wake them up by pinching their nose shut. Snorers do not want you to fling your arm over in a slight slap to wake them up. Snorers do not want you to kick them to wake them up. They do, however, say that they'd like you to yell their name to wake them up.

Snorers do not wake up when you yell their name. They do roll over, stretch their feet and crack their toes in an apparent attempt to convince the air to better circulate from room to nose to heart to toes and back to nose, before resuming the snoring pattern.

If you are able to wake a snorer who then moves to the room below you, make certain the sofa or most comfortable sleeping location is not directly under your bedroom or you will not only be kept awake by the noise but by the intermittent vibrations of the floorboards.

Snoring runs in families. Just ask your in-laws and nieces and nephews. They will be happy to tell all. Or have the whole family together for a reunion. Gives new meaning to the terms, "Musical family" and "Family band."