Happy 19

Isaac and Victor

This has been a theme in our house for the past four years. There's just something really special about a teen-ager who is not only willing to spend time with his baby brother but who chooses to spend time with him.

And that hasn't changed a bit. During Thanksgiving break, Isaac agreed to wake up early (early meaning before noon) to watch a movie with Victor. The night before he went back to school, Victor insisted they had to spend time together since Isaac was leaving him. So Isaac got down on the floor and played Legos with him.

It has nothing to do with how Victor treats him; he can be as mean to Isaac as he is to the rest of us.

But Isaac is a teddy bear. He's love and comfort and grace and forgiveness. He's also a golden retriever. He's a great best friend. He knows how to love and doesn't hold a grudge.

He looks like his father. He acts like his father. These are some pretty strong genes right here.

To the best big brother ever, on the first day of your last year as a teen-ager...

Happy birthday!

Psalm 100

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

    Worship the Lord with gladness;

    come before him with joyful songs.

 

Know that the Lord is God.

    It is he who made us, and we are his;

    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

    and his courts with praise;

    give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100 is one of the passages I can remember from my elementary school days of memorizing Scripture. This morning I read it from The Message:

 On your feet now—applaud God!

    Bring a gift of laughter,

    sing yourselves into his presence.

Know this: God is God, and God, God.

    He made us; we didn’t make him.

    We’re his people, his well-tended sheep.

Enter with the password: “Thank you!”

    Make yourselves at home, talking praise.

    Thank him. Worship him.

For God is sheer beauty,

    all-generous in love,

    loyal always and ever.

One phrase jumped out at me: Enter with the password: "Thank you!"

One habit that I picked up during the almost 3 months I was in the NICU with Victor, was to silently breathe, "Thank you" to God as I put my head on my pillow at night. By that time of day I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was alone yet I lived in a fishbowl with nurses always around us during my daily watch with Victor. I tried to update the many friends and family and caring strangers who were now following our story. When evening came, I was ready for bed but I knew who deserved the thanks for the day. He had kept Victor alive for one more day. He had given me everything that I needed to survive alone for another twenty-four hours. I knew that He alone had carried me.

This is a practice that I continue to this day and one that I hope I continue until the day I can tell Him face-to-face, "Thank you." Thank you for sustaining me. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for the many blessings. Thank you for your strength when I couldn't go on alone.

Making myself at home. Talking praise and worshipping Him.

Thank you.

Word

It's that time of year again when people are posting about their word for the new year. Well, actually, it's past time. I'm late. But I have been thinking about it since before the calendar and the year changed. The same word came to me each time I thought or prayed about it. But I didn't want that word. It's so ordinary but also feel accusatory and judgmental. It makes me feel inadequate to need this word. It reminds me that I don't have all my stuff together.

Which, of course, I don't. None of us does.

"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. 

It is that we should have a new soul."

-G.K. Chesterton

Sometime around the first of the year I saw this quote. How does one get to be the kind of person who is quoted, by the way? Just wondering. For a friend.

Anyway, he's right. So if my word for the year means a new soul, then I really just need to embrace it.

My word for 2020 is self-control.

There, I said it. It's official. I can't change it now. It's out there for all to see and to hold me accountable.

"Self-control is the very best way to go

so I think that I'll control myself."

Ever since hearing this word was my word for 2020, this stupid (sorry, Victor, I'll re-do) cheesy phrase from a childhood song (anyone else remember the Music Machine songs about the Fruit of the Spirit? Sounds so easy.

But it's not. So here I am going into 2020 with a lack of self-control in certain areas of my life, praying for Jesus to step in and help me grow in this area so that in 365 days (give or take a few), I can look back and say that yes, I did indeed gain a new soul in the first year of the new decade.

You anoint my head with ...

Early in 2019 I sensed God's saying that 2019 would be a turn-around year for Victor. It seemed too good to be true so I was hopeful yet not quite believing. However, I did ponder this in my heart.

Some days felt so endless with no change in sight. Looking at the big picture there was progress but focusing on the moment, we still had the emotions of a 2 or 3 year old but in the body of a 6 year old with the cutting verbal skills of a teen who hasn't learned to swear yet. And let's all take a moment to thank the Lord that he hasn't learned to swear yet.

Of course there was the phone call in kindergarten that Victor said the "F" word on the bus. Only everyone just believed the bus driver (because the kid is a problem child, after all) and nobody bothered to ask him what the "F" word was. Until he came home. I had a conversation with him and asked him to tell me what he said. He didn't know but he thought maybe it was fartface.  John asked him later if he could whisper the bad "F" word to him and he shamefully whispered facebutt. Never have I been so happy to know that kindergartner did, indeed, say the "F" word on the bus.

And then there was that time a month or so ago when I got a similar email. This time I was told that he yelled the "B" word at the PE teacher. I suggested that they ask him what he said and told them the kindergarten account. They never responded but when he came home and I asked him what he yelled at the PE teacher he said, "I don't know. I told them at school the same thing." He came up with a few suggestions of what he might have said. My guess? This was during the phase when he called me Miss every time he was mad. As in, "You can't say that to me, Miss!" Yelled loudly in a noisy, chaotic gym, and by the kid that frustrated everyone in every way, it would definitely come out sounding like something else.

So, I will correct myself. He does know a few swear words like fartface, facebutt, and Miss. But other than that...

2019 was a continuation of a restricted diet and working with a behavioral specialist. Both helped. We added medication and a one-on-one at school. Both helped. Victor starts his mornings with 5 nice things about me and listening to 5 things I like about him. He then tells Satan where to go and prays for help. He's better at this spiritual warfare thing than I am. And the Good Doctor anoints him with oil at night and also prays over him.

The weekend after Thanksgiving was a definite turning point. He had 12 beautiful, miraculous, "normal" days. We've had our ups and downs but since that Saturday, he's had more good days than bad. And for this we are so thankful.

I could explain it away in all kinds of ways but when it comes down to it, I know it's an answer to so many prayers. We still have a long way to go but God is good. God is faithful. And God keeps His promises. Victor will be victorious!

This morning, my shadow was outside the bathroom door, as always. At least I've finally convinced him that sight or no sight, I need my privacy. He asked, "Mom, is this anointment oil?"

I was pretty sure we didn't have any anointing oil so I told him so.

When I opened the door a little later I asked him to show me what he was talking about.

"No, Victor, that is Chapstick."

Then I realized that it smelled very much like strawberry.

"Victor, did you use that to anoint yourself?"

Of course he did.

But it got better. About 30 minutes later he came to ask for a snack.

Looking like this.

"Victor, did you anoint yourself with a Sharpie?"

Never mind, don't answer.

Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to what 2020 has in store!